The 7 Actual Worst Breakup Ideas
I recently read an article about the seven worst ways to break up with someone. I immediately had two reactions about this: I’ve done five out of the seven, and, more importantly, this article had nothing on my breakups. And I mean nothing.
You break up with me over a text? Yeah, whatever. Dragging it out too long? Pfft! No biggie! In a previous article in December, I discussed how to kick bad dating habits in 2014. However, if you are more set on how to stay single in 2014 or perhaps you may just need a fresh start, I give you the actual seven worst ways to break up with someone so that you may at least keep things interesting in the coming year. I can tell you from personal experience, they truly work.
You can take your significant other to a halfway home. But since your significant other didn’t know you had gone to rehab until he/she met “the roomies,” this can either spark some interesting conversation or make your significant other wonder if he or she even knows your real name and how many felonies you’ve committed.
If you were always into drama in high school, but never followed your dreams, here’s a great chance to gather some theater experience. Fake your death! But don’t get too crazy with this one because you might just bump into your dumpee at Starbucks six months later.
Religion can sometimes create wedges in relationships. Take this to the next level by convincing your significant other he/she is atheist, even if he/she is devoted to some higher entity. Then, in full political Washingtonian style, tell him/her that you cannot date an atheist because what would your conservative friends think?
Fake having two extra jobs so you “don’t have enough time for a relationship.” Pick something obscure, though. Don’t say barista or bartender because people always want to visit you at work. Instead, opt for something like VP of Operations at some tech startup. Startups are currently popping up all over D.C. so this is believable, but difficult to check on.
Not looking to put a lot of effort into a breakup? Put your hard earned tax dollars to use. Take your date on the metro and do it there. It goes something like this:
You: We need to talk.
Your SO: OK, we can talk later.
You: No. We should talk now.
Everyone in the bus will be listening intently. If you are on the orange or blue line, there may be tourists. If so, they may be craning their necks to have a view of the scene.
You: I can’t do this anymore. We should just be friends.
Perfect. Short, sweet and simple, then get off at the next stop and easily jump on the next train.
If none of these work, take him or her to a college bar (preferably if you are not in college). Once you are there, suddenly turn into the life of the party and dance with everyone but your date all night. This will most likely end up in him/her breaking up with you, in which case you will have won the breakup battle.
But if you have to resort to drastic measures, then randomly run away and get married. If we have learned anything from Kim Kardashian in 2013, it is the possibility of the 48 hour marriage. Take this beauty and run with it (in your case, you might want to take the running part literally).
So those are the absolute worst ways to breakup with someone. If you are a love grinch, I hope these will be helpful in the new year. If you are actually seeking love, then you are reading the wrong article and should in fact be clicking here. On the other hand, at least you now know what not to do. Happy dating in the New Year!