Love Before Marriage, Not Lust

Last week I wrote an article about how to properly rebound and move on from a break up. Ironically, a few days later my best friend reached out to me and informed me that her ex was getting married. Sure it sounds terrible, but you probably know someone or someone who knows someone that this has happened to. But, the real plot twist is that my best friend and her ex dated for three years and were engaged for one of those years. They broke up two months ago for reasons I can’t say. But, his happily ever after is that he is now legally married to a new girl and the ceremony is coming up shorty.

No one ever wants to see their ex get married. (Photo: Jamie Grill)

This story baffles me for a number of reasons. Mostly, the complete disregard for love and respect.

A lot of people give up on love because they have been or are afraid of being broken. These people are convinced love no longer exists. But reality is that love is still very much alive, there’s just more people messing it up for one and other. One person gets hurt, and the vicious cycle begins of hurting the next person.

People find it’s better to lust than to love, because there’s less to lose at the end. If you’re not sure if you’re in love or lust, here are a few ways to distinguish the two:

Fatal attraction

When you’re with someone there always has to be attraction. What type of attraction varies between lust and love. When you’re in lust, it’s all about that physical connection. You can’t keep your hands off each other, but it’s all surface level attraction. When you’re in love, that physical attraction is very much there, but you also become attracted to your partner’s emotional and mental side. And that lasts longer than good looks.

Communication is key

You always hear that communication is key to a successful relationship. Well you hear it because it is true. In lust, everything is hot and sexy. You talk dirty, maybe even small talk and learn the basics. But that gets boring very quick and fades. In love, you enjoy random small talk, but you throw in deep conversation and learn to actually listen to the other person and care for what they say.

Respect is just as important as love in a relationship. (Photo: Josh Kenzer/Flickr)

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Respect is another key factor in a relationship. In lust, respect is minimal and can lend itself to being one sided. That is because while you enjoy the other person’a company, you aren’t invested in them. When you are in love, it’s the opposite or at least it should be. You should mutually learn to respect one another even through tough times.

Don’t marry the rebound, just don’t. If you do, don’t do it after only knowing them and being single for two months. You can’t fall out of love overnight. Stop giving love a bad name.

As the end of the year approaches, it’s time to start thinking about New Year’s resolutions. When it comes to dating in D.C., we all have one or two terrible dating habits. Consider kicking some of these habits as part of your New Year’s resolutions.

Kick those bad dating habits goodbye in 2014. Photo: JupiterImages

It is our Washingtonian nature to be workaholics. We work long days and as a result end up being unavailable for dates or significant others a large majority of the time. Although it is never good to be “too available” for dates, try to strike a balance between work and play. Not being available enough for dates can send the message that you feel that your career is more important than your date’s career. In a ladder-climbing town, this is a horrible message to send and can be a quick road ending in a breakup.

Change dating behavior

Once you are actually setting time aside to date, take a look at your behavior on dates. Are you still ordering more after two drinks? Do you bring up your problems right away? Acting like a sloppy mess leads to nothing. Your date will become easily uninterested in what you have to say because he or she will think you are not taking the date very seriously. To clean up your act, try asking an honest friend for advice. Generally, we all have at least one friend we can count on to tell us the truth about how others see us.

If you do not have an honest friend you can trust, please try to find one immediately. But in the meantime, there are some basic ground rules to being classy on a date. Do not consume too many alcoholic beverages. Two drinks is your safest bet. Also, wear clothing appropriate to the venue. Definitely leave your tube tops or jorts (jean man shorts) at home. Neither of those options is ever truly appropriate. And of course, be mindful of the language you are using. Keep the cursing to a minimum, especially on a first date.

Quit lying

Another terrible dating habit of which to rid yourself in 2014 is lying. Everybody is guilty of this on a first date. I have been on many dates where I can tell the other person is either over exaggerating an aspect of his life or completely straight up lying. At the time you may feel that this lie is just a small white lie to get you to the next step, but when you are caught in the lie, you are sure to get dumped. The other person may never tell you that he or she knew you were lying, but you will know when you end up alone on your couch with yet another pint of Ben and Jerry’s.

Date differently

Finally, reevaluate your standards. Many of us have a list long enough to replace the Dupont metro escalator. However, listing these standards can put you in a rut. It is silly to believe that dating the same kind of person each time will eventually produce different results. I am certainly not suggesting that you lower standards and hook up with someone you find completely unappealing. I am, however, suggesting that you keep an open mind and date outside of your comfort zone.

It can be hard to make New Year’s resolutions happen, but if you start thinking about these dating resolutions now, you may just end up having a full 2014 dating calendar.